This past Sunday I went to my Dad's to welcome my Grandmother back home from Florida. She asked me to put her suitcase in the basement so I did and when I started walking back up the stairs I saw something I had stashed away under the stairs that made me stop dead in my tracks.
These two sets of bowls, the brown plastic ones on the left and the porcelain ones on the right, are Desi and Mona's bowls. I kept them under the stairs for Desi & Mona when we stayed at my Dad's and it really tore my heart open and made me very sad to see them...
There was also the last jumbo bag of Desi's Puperoni treats that I had just bought him, and that he hadn't finished eating, sitting on the kitchen counter next to Desi's big treat jar filled with Milk Bone snacks which he also hadn't gotten to finish.
I left before I had a chance to take a picture of them but it's just as well. It's all so depressing to me. It's not even two months yet and I feel like it was two years ago. Not in the sense of any kind of healing of my emotions by having distance from the event, but in the sense of this is the longest I've ever been away from Desi and his physical memory starts to slip away from my a little more each day. It just tugs at what little heartstrings I have left to tug at. My emotions are spent in the way that happens when something is beyond painful and far too much to bear anymore.
As I'm typing I'm sitting on Desi's part of my coach which still smells like urine from his constant incontinence. He actually always kind of peed in the house since he was a puppy and that is honestly the ONLY thing I can fault him with behaviorally. But the truth is that he was in the pet store from 6 weeks after he was born in December through May 8th 1998 when I adopted him and brought him home. I'm sure they didn't bother to clean his kennel regularly and that he just got used to peeing where he slept which normally I'm told is not the case with animals.
I feel so good about adopting him when I did. I knew I had to rescue him. And again I must say HE was the one who rescued me and kept me safe all these years. It's still so raw and painful for me in spite of the fact that I am frightened I will stop remembering what his physical presence was like. It's probably just another phase of grief and loss that I'm not familiar with and not comfortable feeling. Overall, I'm left with an outlook that is the bleakest one I have ever had in my life.
I think the hardest thing for me is that HE IS NOT HERE TO COMFORT ME through all this. He has ALWAYS been here for me and now it's just me. I have to be honest and admit that my friends and family have not been truly able to be there for me and even if they could be there for me like I sometimes feel I need them, they could NEVER be there the way Desi has ALWAYS been there for me. In the end, it's just me. All I really ever have is myself. I guess that's the way it is for everyone. But this realization is hitting me so hard and making me feel so incredibly apathetic to relationships in general whether they be human or another pet. I don't really want another pet. I just want Desi.
These two sets of bowls, the brown plastic ones on the left and the porcelain ones on the right, are Desi and Mona's bowls. I kept them under the stairs for Desi & Mona when we stayed at my Dad's and it really tore my heart open and made me very sad to see them...
There was also the last jumbo bag of Desi's Puperoni treats that I had just bought him, and that he hadn't finished eating, sitting on the kitchen counter next to Desi's big treat jar filled with Milk Bone snacks which he also hadn't gotten to finish.
I left before I had a chance to take a picture of them but it's just as well. It's all so depressing to me. It's not even two months yet and I feel like it was two years ago. Not in the sense of any kind of healing of my emotions by having distance from the event, but in the sense of this is the longest I've ever been away from Desi and his physical memory starts to slip away from my a little more each day. It just tugs at what little heartstrings I have left to tug at. My emotions are spent in the way that happens when something is beyond painful and far too much to bear anymore.
As I'm typing I'm sitting on Desi's part of my coach which still smells like urine from his constant incontinence. He actually always kind of peed in the house since he was a puppy and that is honestly the ONLY thing I can fault him with behaviorally. But the truth is that he was in the pet store from 6 weeks after he was born in December through May 8th 1998 when I adopted him and brought him home. I'm sure they didn't bother to clean his kennel regularly and that he just got used to peeing where he slept which normally I'm told is not the case with animals.
I feel so good about adopting him when I did. I knew I had to rescue him. And again I must say HE was the one who rescued me and kept me safe all these years. It's still so raw and painful for me in spite of the fact that I am frightened I will stop remembering what his physical presence was like. It's probably just another phase of grief and loss that I'm not familiar with and not comfortable feeling. Overall, I'm left with an outlook that is the bleakest one I have ever had in my life.
I think the hardest thing for me is that HE IS NOT HERE TO COMFORT ME through all this. He has ALWAYS been here for me and now it's just me. I have to be honest and admit that my friends and family have not been truly able to be there for me and even if they could be there for me like I sometimes feel I need them, they could NEVER be there the way Desi has ALWAYS been there for me. In the end, it's just me. All I really ever have is myself. I guess that's the way it is for everyone. But this realization is hitting me so hard and making me feel so incredibly apathetic to relationships in general whether they be human or another pet. I don't really want another pet. I just want Desi.
Such beautifully expressed feelings. Warm wishes fur-ever cherishing peace of beautiful memories shared with your precious Desi.
ReplyDeleteThank you so very much for highlighting the lyrics to the song ("Always something there to remind me"); that is what directed my Google-search to your website, as I had been thinking of cherished fur-pal friendships when I heard the song on the radio recently.
Your beautiful reflections bring to mind the phrase "Enjoy the moment", as you brought a lifetime of beautiful moments (to you both!) through your loving outreach in rescuing dear Desi.