Originally Posted on 12.23.11 | 1 month today...and I miss him terribly.

I feel pretty sad and slightly agitated today.  It's weird because yesterday I had a great day and felt really upbeat. I actually thought and talked a lot about Desi yesterday but it was all in a very happy sense.  I shared the story of Desi's last day with a friend in a way that didn't drain me emotionally.

I guess because I told the story in a third person sense without attaching to the facts as I often do when I tell the story.  But today is different.

Today it is exactly one month since the day Desi died.  It feels like a marker in one sense that I made it 30 days and haven't fallen apart.  But it's still almost as shocking a reality to accept as the day it happened.  In a way, it may be even more shocking because that day I was wavering from reality to the feeling of being in a scene in a movie or a play.   Today I feel stone cold sober in the reality of Desi's death.

I found the video above on my phone.  Desi used to do this thing that I liked to call "Crazy Dog" or "Happy Dog".  He would get on his back and just sort of wriggle back and forth and paw at the air while he made these happy sounds.  I loved to watch him do this because I could tell he was feeling happy and playful.  I think this was the last time I actually saw him doing this and he only did it briefly. I only caught a part of it but it's enough to make me wonder how he so rapidly declined from October 5th to November 23rd.

There is still guilt over not letting him die naturally.  The only thing gives me any sort of relief is the fact that he just couldn't even stand up anymore.  It was a huge struggle and on the last day he tried so many times and just passed out from exhaustion on his pillow.  He couldn't stand long enough to eat his food or drink his water.  If I didn't put egg into his food he wouldn't have eaten it at all.  How long could I keep allowing him to go on in that condition?  I had to hold the bowl right in front of him so that he could eat and drink.  When I took him outside he was also not able to stand or walk for very long periods of time.  On that last day he was out of his mind.  He didn't know what he wanted.  He kept trying to walk to somewhere.  But where?  Did he know it was his time and was instinctively trying to find a place to go to lie down and die.  I don't know.  I do know that there was nothing I could do to placate his agitated, frustrated and completely uncomfortable state that day.  He seemed to be in his dementia and his mind seemed to be confused as to where he was and what he was doing.

It makes me sick to think about how it all came down to that state of mental dementia and his body failing on him in spite of his will.

I was thinking to myself - what would I do for myself?  A part of me thinks I would allow myself to suffer through the pain right until my moment of death because that is the natural course of things.  Jesus suffered on his last day of life.  I guess that thought still pervades in terms of what the right thing is to do for a human.  I don't really know it's all still pretty confusing to me as I try to understand and separate what I personally, truly believe and what I have been taught or have had drilled into me by my dogmatic, unwavering, irrational, black and white thinking,  Jehovah's Witness mother.

One thing is absolutely sure - I LOVED THAT DOG MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD!!!  If there was ANY WAY that I could have kept him longer without having to see him struggle like that and be so uncomfortable I CERTAINLY WOULD HAVE.  Yes I did hasten death through the act of of Euthanasia.  Euthanasia in short means "painless death" or "good death".  It is also referred to as "mercy killing" which doesn't seem nearly as nice as "painless" or "good" death.  But the word "mercy" itself is defined as "an act of kindness, compassion, or favor".

One of the reasons listed in wikipedia for animal euthanasia is:

• Old age – Deterioration to loss of major bodily functions. Severe impairment of the quality of life.

So if I wear to think about it rationally I would say that because of Desi's age he was suffering from a deterioration to loss of major bodily functions such as standing, walking, urinating, eating and drinking without assistance.  All of these physical factors combined with his mental dementia and  deterioration was causing him severe agitation, confusion and anguish.  He wasn't having a good, easy or happy life and he was unable to be placated in any way.  The combination of physical and mental deterioration was causing a severe impairment to the quality of his life.  And the only merciful solution was to brink on a painless or good death through euthanasia.

Rationally I can understand that I made the absolute correct decision at the absolute correct time and held on until the struggle become unbearable for him and for me.

Morally is where I still have trouble with my decision.  

I think I would come to the same conclusion for any animal or person that was struggling and suffering like Desi was.  But could I do that for myself.  Or ask to have that done to me if the pain and struggle was unbearable.  I'm not sure that I could because of that deeply religious moral belief that I do not have the right to decide who lives and dies and when that happens and that only God or my Higher Power or the Universe has that right.

But when I am truly connected to my Higher Power, the Universe and God, I can hear and feel and know for certain in my heart that the right thing to do was let him say goodbye to me as painful as it was and still is for me to say goodbye to him.

And that is still where I am at today.  And my brain keeps going back and forth with this constant battle and struggle over the guilt that I am not the one that should get to choose and I did versus my rational belief that I listened to the Universe and God's will and my Higher Power and I did what I my obligation and responsibility was to do as the caretaker for my beloved little animal.

No matter how much or how long I struggle and battle within myself the inevitable was going to happen for Desi and it is going to happen for me and for every being that is on this earth.  It is a matter of when.  I did chose the how because he was in such severe implacable distress.

The fact that I played a role in a student film where my own mental pain and anguish was tormenting me until I got a visit from an Angel who was my dog and let me know that I helped her in the time she needed me the most.  And she thanked me for that.

It is I suppose another way to rationalize away the guilt, pain and sorrow we feel over the loss and the decision we make for our animals to hasten the process.

I don't think I'll ever come to a full understanding or resolution to my feelings. Hopefully, they will be easier to bear as time goes on and I will feel more at peace with myself in the fact that Desi really did live out a full and happy life.  Even in the last few years with the loss of his eye and his virtual blindness he was able to enjoy many things.  But he wasn't enjoying anything at all in the last few weeks and that last day all he felt was agitation.  I took care of him with love by eliminating his distress and yes the euphemism applies nicely - putting him to sleep.